Shape By

I live my life in chains
Got my hands in chains
And I can't stick with the cards
That I got with a deal
Like this I must insist
That a girl's got more to do
Then be the way you think a woman should
I'm taking it into my own hands
In this man's land I can understand
Why I'm taking command
Had enough of stuff
And now it's time to think about me, me yeah


And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good

[Chorus]

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

[Verse 2:]

I've always played it safe nothing's ever safe
Give me the courage to back my own convictions
Every decision I make I pay it back and more
Now turn the cards and let them fall to me
Cos I don't need to play on with the hand that they have givenme
I'll give it back cos it's not the way it has to be


And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good

[chorus]

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

[bridge]

That's not the shape
The shape of my heart
My heart
That's not the shape of my heart

And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good

And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good

[chorus]

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape
The shape of my heart...

part of the dedication from a wonderful author

"To anyone who has stood at someones side and looked into the abyss and found both charm, attraction and love, for we are not made up only of our light and happiness but also or darkness and sorrow. To deny the darkness of yourself is to deny half of who you are, and when you love, truly love, you need to love the whole person not just the part that smiles and waves, but the part that thinks murderous thoughts and knows that pain is both pleasure and temptation, but still thinks puppies are really cute" -LKH

this has never been more true then now. somedays i have never been happier and others i wish i was never born. i ma pretty sure this wil not be passing anytime soon unless he comes back. I want to end this pain and there is not way for me ot avoid it or change it unless i cna stop loving him. i could say that I hate him but I could never mean it. and i am sick of playing what if-? it will just drive me mad.

Today

today i discovered that i am losing my mind. i miss him and i donlt care who knows it. i have every rightot say that i lovwe him and i know he loves me and that should be enough for me. i want him to myself, that is so selfish and unlike me and i know that will never be able ot tell him this. i want ot see him agian an touch him and for the world to just let us be. god i hate this i know that it  can be said of me that i can stand a lot of stuff but let me tell you a broken heart is worse then any pain i have ever felt..... i have no idea how ot describe it no matter as long as i live. how do you tell someone that the have broken you so badly that you will never recover no amount of time or healing will ever change that i ma broken. So just kill me now because thisi s kinda the best i got right now. this is as far as i ma going to get in my life. how can things get any worse? really i have lost so much and i just want him here so he can kill me and all this will be done with. but i cnalt tell him tha becasue it would be impropor. it sucks and io hate oit but i ma bound by the rules of  my station. FUCK YOU WORLD. i am ready for this ot be over and i know for that reason aone it never will be.

God i wish i could sing

I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
I'll be there someday
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mild
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
to feel like I belong

I am on my way
I can go the distance
I don't care how far
Somehow I'll be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
to find where I belong

I guess the best way to go about this is saying hello

i guess it was decided that i would be the first to start working on a blog. sadly i am them ost likey to not shut up about my issues as my mother so nicely put it. she is always say things like that. that is family for you they treat me better then most people but thati  not saying much... not thati mind i enjoy a little rough treatment more then most but that is no reason ot take advange. damn it who am i kidding? take all the advantage you want. Not like i have any say in the matter. everyone walks alover me an i almost donlt mind but there are some people who do it to an excess. i hate when i fianlly realize that some one just seems to not care... it is hard then it looks to be me folks! i love being the underdog so to speak but sometimes it would be noice if those thati love loved me too AND showed it. my mother deserts me, the bastard ot used ot call my master sold me! and now i ma once again alone. i love my family but they are not quite the kinda love i am craving. i just miss him and there is no other waty to put it, i miss him more then words more thne time more thne anytihng elsei nthe world. i just want ot hear his voice (as i know it) again. i would give anything even my own life just ot have one more real conversation with him. okay enough for now i need to stop crying before i post again. Maybe Tomorrow